Today its like this...

My plan for this morning was to ask the kids to get up at 6:00 am, to sternly request that they pry themselves from the mattress at 6:10 am, and then start hollering at 6:15 if they were still large lumps under a pile of blankets.  This is the routine, as unpleasant as it sounds, but that's what seems to work.

And it did, for Nora.

Emily had other plans. 

She protested that she was tired, that she needed more sleep.  I sent her off to bed at 8:30 last night, how could that possibly be?  I asked her to explain. 

"I stayed up," she said.

"Why would you do that?" I asked, now thoroughly annoyed, since my coffee was going cold downstairs.

"Because I knew I'd be miserable!" she yelled.

Oh crap.  That's not good.  But I told her to get up anyways, that she had to catch the bus.  She grumbled and back-talked.  I gave her a muffin to eat.  She didn't get herself anything to drink.  "Don't you want some water?" I asked.  "Then you can take your pills."

"I don't deserve water.  I'm just going to go thirsty."

This has been a common refrain this school year, but usually I can get her to eat or drink something if I offer it along with some commentary on how that isn't true.  It was especially hard to hear it this morning though.  Its the first time she's said she doesn't deserve food/water/clothing since we got back from Disney.  My blood starting running as cold as the coffee, now forgotten in the mug.

But I thought we'd get through it.  I thought we'd get her on the bus.  It only got worse.  When she started shrieking non-verbal banshee sounds, I just walked down to my room and sat on the bed.  Ryan was there, looking at me with eyes like saucers.

"What are we going to do?" he asked.

I pulled out my phone.  "Find a psychologist that can see her today.  I'm not sending her to school."

And I didn't.  She is working on a story in her room, planning the ending so it doesn't go "on and on forever."  As soon as I said she could stay home, the screaming and the tears stopped.

Did I do the right thing?  I don't know.

On the one hand, I just read an article in the Tech Times that said a lot of the kids today with anxiety suffer due to the way in which their parents handle the anxiety.  Without meaning to, the act of comforting or accommodating reinforces the idea that the child is helpless, and that the only one that can make it right is the parent.  Is that what I did this morning?  Make her feel that she can't handle school on her own?

On the other hand, I know that her brain is different, that anxiety and depression run in the family, and that the side effect of the epilepsy medicine increases  her anxiety and depression.  I can't send her off on the bus, not today, when she said to me after she calmed down, " I don't have any friends at school, and today is a day I just need to know I have someone.  A lot of the time I feel worthless, like you should just throw me out with the trash."  And later, while I was eating breakfast, she gave me a hug and said, "I'm glad I'm here with someone who cares about me."

Sometimes Emily says things that don't seem like they came from the mouth of a child.  I know a lot of adults that aren't that in touch with their mental state.

Ten more minutes until I can start calling around, seeing if I can find someone who can take a new patient and our insurance.  (Don't get me started on that).  Ten more minutes until the school calls, asking where she is.  I'll tell them she's having a bad mental health day, and the secretary in the office won't know what to say.  Ten more minutes for me to wonder if I should even send her back at all, or if I should just clean out her locker and declare the school year over.  I know this post is rather bleak, but this is today, and its like this.  I'm not here on social media to present a curated view of perfect, middle class Americana.  Parenting is messy and complicated.  Some days are wonderful, and you have the photos to prove it.  The days that aren't picture perfect are just as important though, and I'll be the first to tell you our family has our share of both.

Time Flies: 4/25/2019

Still feeling the Disney Vibe...it was such a wonderful trip!  So here's a few more throwbacks, this time from our first trip and a few weeks. ago.

May 2013:  The Tree of Life at the Animal Kingdom (pre-photo pass.  This means that we only have one or two family pics from this vacation since one of the adults had to man the camera).

Nora, Emily, and I at the Tree of Life at the heart of the Animal Kingdom.

April 2019:   On the main drag heading towards the Tree of Life first thing in the morning.  Despite the fact its early spring, this was the hottest, sunniest day of the week we spent in Orlando.  Even at 9:30 the sun was blazing!

Ryan, Nora, Emily, and I about to enjoy the day at the Animal Kingdom.  Note Nora is rocking great sunglasses in both pics.

I am most definitely overwhelmed...

Our trip to Disney is over, and even though the happy memories still make me smile (and probably will for a long time to come) its back to reality.

Just before we left on the trip, my husband expressed some doubts about my ability to homeschool Emily successfully.  She's a sweet girl but she does have her issues.  "If professional educators can't meet her needs, how can you?"

Full disclosure.  My first thought was "What the Hell?  I'm her MOM.  Of COURSE I know what's best."  But that, dear readers, was just my ego having a temper tantrum.  The very SAME temper tantrums I see my kiddos exhibiting!  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Or, since this is a yoga blog of sorts, its *karma*.  (I don't know why I added the asterisks around karma, but I like it).

While it is true I am her Mom, I love the fact that my husband and I can be honest with each other.  Its a legitimate question, especially if you consider my history not only as student but as a college-level instructor for 8 years.  I was very invested in the ideas of traditional schooling for decades.  I fully bought in to the idea of rubrics and multiple choice testing, all the while bemoaning the fact that students nowadays didn't seem to care much about anything that wasn't on their phone screens.

From his point of view, I have lost my mind.

Time Flies: 4/18/2019

A better title for this post would be "The Yoga of Walt Disney World"

Last week the family and I were MIA (as were any new blog posts) because were were on our "let's try to get to Disney every three years or so" family vacation.

It was AMAZING!!!  I know not everyone is a huge fan of Disney, or theme parks, or corporate America.  I totally respect that.  But as far as this family goes, WE LOVE WDW!!!  The Magic Kingdom has provided us with some of our fondest family memories and traditions, and Disney's ability to provide our family with safe, gluten-free food means we can travel without fear of getting sick.  I am grateful for all of the thousands of people who helped make our trip magic, and we said Thank You to as many bus drivers, cafeteria workers, shop keepers, Dole Whip whippers, and ride operators as possible.

As far as homeschool goes, the Animal Kingdom is an A++ Highly Recommended destination.  Not only are there numerous opportunities to see wildlife in a natural setting, kids can earn "Wilderness Explorers" badges all over the park.  Topics range from bird habitats to paleontology, from bugs to recycling, and everything ecology related in-between.  Special needs kids like Emily, who can come across as a little socially awkward, are nonetheless encouraged to participate, answer questions, and pose theories.

In other words, I don't regret taking the kids out of school for a week in order to do this trip.  Not one iota.  I could go on and on.  But this is the photo segment...so here you go:

TBT:  September 2016

In Front of Cinderella Castle at WDW

Today:  May 2019

In Front of Cinderella Castle at WDW

Yes Nora is in the same shirt.  Whoops.  And Emily is frowning in the first pic because she had reached her limit of photos.  Same thing happened this trip, so I made sure to get a bunch of pics at the front end of the vacation this time around.  We were so successful that a co-worker of mine commented, "Your family is the poster child for how to have fun at Disney."

Best. Compliment. Ever.

Time Flies: 4/4/2019

TBT:  Emily has really upped her dinosaur game.  She's been fascinated by dinosaurs, fossils, and paleontology for most of her life.  It makes me happy to see how that this has inspired not only a love of science, but fun outfits.

Here she is in our Lakemoor home in October of 2013.

Roar! Says my little stegosaurus.

Today:  Here is another pic from Barrington Area Library's 2019 Comic Con, which featured awesome cosplayers, dragon crafts and photos ops, as well as T-Rex Emmers.

T-Rex meets the two-headed Dragon at BAL's Comic Con.

Co-op Meet and Greet. Or, this is really happening!!!

I have gotten very few raised eyebrows when I've announced to people I'm going to homeschool Emily next year.

This is either a good indication that we're on the right track, or the people around me are losing faith in public education.  Maybe both?  (That's not a nice thing to say though. I know a lot of public school teachers and they are heroes.  But then again, even they likely agree that things have gone astray...but I digress). 

Anyhow, I am very fortunate in that I work at a library that has a homeschool co-op that meets weekly and I can see firsthand the homeschool experience in action.  I see the same faces every week, some working one on one, some in small groups.  They all seem engaged (ok all but one.  There is one little boy who clearly does not like math and he spins his chair back and forth until I'm dizzy from watching.  But that woman with him is so patient, and she doesn't even know she's been a huge inspiration to me).  Furthermore, a work colleague who has homeschooled both of her sons for several years has been really supportive and introduced me to so many resources!  Thank you Amy!

And that is how I found myself sitting in a room with a bunch of mothers who are also looking to homeschool their children.  Of course they were all on time, and I was 10 minutes late to this Co-Op Meet and Greet.